La Domina

Hmmm...

2008-06-18T07:30:59Z

Wondering why my old poem is true...only good for one thing...every night of her life.

My Last Words

2008-03-03T17:39:55Z

The dots.
They circle my body.
Blue.
Green.
Purple.
They float above my head. Protecting me?
Killing me?
I wake up and my whole room in yellow.
The walls around me are bright green.
Is this what eternity feels like?
Is this depression?
The thing...chemical imbalance...
The thing that is wrong with me.
Destroying my soul?
Controlling my brain?
What is making me see the world like this?
Pills?
What made me like this?
What is the force that makes me hurt myself?
Why do I get such pleasure from it?
I listen to the music...
Pink Floyd of my stereo.
Sending me away.
I feel my body lifting from the floor.
I am floating.
The blood drips from the cuts on my wrists.
Now dripping onto the floor from the air above.
I am flying.
They tell you it is all in your head.
NO!
It is real.
They tell me the things I hear and see is my mind playing tricks on me.
They engulf my body and make me say things...
Do things...
The demons inside me.
As you read this, you are probably thinking I am crazy...
Or on drugs...maybe both...
No!
These are my notions of the world around me as I see it.
As I lie here dying...
I write these words so someone would possibly understand.
I am like a broken toy...
When you wind me up I go in circles...
Instead of forward.
Understand that we are all children.
Even as we grow old...
We are all children!
Someone always has control over us.
When we are young...
Our parents.
Then as we grow into adults...
The government.
Then as we start to die...
We turn into babies again...
Not being able to do anything for ourselves.
It is one vicious cycle.
My head is a white room.
No doors.
No windows.
No exit.
That is why I'm here...
Floating in my room...
Pink Floyd on my stereo...
Blood dripping from my wrists...
These are my last words.
This is what I see through my eyes everyday.
The endless psychotic episodes.
Read this and understand.
See through my eyes!

Chaos

2008-03-03T17:19:39Z

Don ran away.
I don't know why. I keep trying not to think about how he may be lying dead in a ditch somewhere. Arms slashed open...head full of chemicals. You fell so lonely when the only thing keeping you company are the thoughts bouncing off the back of your skull. No communication ties. No where to empty my sick thoughts but the desolate wasteland of the computer screen. I am killing myself. Slowly but surely. Having random sex, denying my body of the vitamins it needs, Wasting away. Crazy Alex has taken over...Alex is never coming back. You lost her. I am a sick freak. I drive people away with my sick thoughts. People think blood and mutilation are works of the devil. They are works that give me pleasure. Pain=Pleasure. "Take your pills and go to sleep" a phrase I will steal from Justin. I take 9 pills, soon to be 10 pills a day. Help me. Save me from myself. I just want to sleep forever...stay in a dream where no one can hurt me. You can't die in your dreams. No one can touch you unless you want them to. "She breaks just like a little girl" -Bob Dylan. I curl up in a little ball protecting myself from the things that want to get me. How can I protect myself from something that inside me head? I listen to music to reflect what I feel. Lately I haven't been able to find music angry enough for my needs. I am listening yo Pink Floyd right now. They are my crazy outlet. They put my feelings into words that I cannot speak. Mental Illness is like when you are wearing a blindfold and then someone takes it off and you see all the ugly things in the world for what they really are. That is what drives people mad. I hate thinking I am the one with the problem. Why can't it be everyone else's problem and not just me alone...by myself? I can't speak. It feels wrong for me to utter a word. I shouldn't be saying such things about myself. Too personal. Can't let anyone get too close. I just end up breaking them.

This was a journal entry, but it was just written so well. If you really read it, You can see how my mind switched from topic to topic. Truly scatter-brained.

Broken Mind

2008-03-03T17:05:34Z

I am myself.
Miller medications out of my brain.
My mind is my own.
Twilight.
In the car.
The clouds are so far away.
I realize how big the world really is.
1 in 10 people have major depressive disorder.
10% of the population had Borderline Personality Disorder.
My problems don't matter.
Prozac.
Lithium.
Enderal.
Valium.
Bull-shit.
Pump my brain with chemicals.
Telling me no to read the books I do.
Don't hurt yourself.
SAFETY PLAN.
I can't remember feeling true happiness.
I have been paranoid since I was six.
A child fearing for her life,
Against an imaginary enemy.
My mind makes everything seem so frightening.
I'd rather die than be afraid.
But I know through all this pain,
I am myself.

Poisoned Mind

2008-03-03T17:00:31Z

There is poison inside me.
Something eating me...
Is it god?
Are you there?
The poison in my mind
Serotonin, norepinephrine.
Paxil, Effexor, Zyprexa, Ritalin, Lithium, Topamax.
Aren't you supposed to help?
"NO!" they say,
"We are here too brainwash you, make you like the rest of them."
You become like them, you give up.
Or if your will is strong you give them complications.
You see the knife,
Watch the blood.
Wait!
Self destructive behavior.
You have to be sent to the hospital
You're going to kill yourself.
So now you are surrounded by dug addicts and vegetables.
Why are you here?
You're not crazy.
You work your way out.
Now no one will listen to you because you had a stay in the loony bin.
TOO MANY COMPLICATIONS!
You start cutting again,
Hiding it.
Big secret.
So the cycle continues,
I hope God eat your soul and help you.
Amen.

Eek, I was going through some strange times...

Untitled

2008-03-03T16:53:15Z

I am a piece of trash.
People toss me around,
The throw me away.
WHY ARE PEOPLE MEAN TO ME?
Not include me in things?
I am stupid,
Innocent,
Too young.
NO!
I understand better than most people,
How the world works.
I HATE YOU!
How can I make people think I am smart?
I'm not.
That's why they treat me the way they do.
This is the only back-fire from not letting people see who I really am.
Not letting people get too close.
I don't want to let people know me.
They always hurt me.
Everyone likes to hurt me.
They get sick, twisted pleasure out of it.
I am your toy...

Apparently I was really angry at the world when I wrote this, I don't remember what happened to provoke this. Although I don't remember a lot of what happened in that period of my life.

My Dangerous Addiction

2008-03-03T16:39:44Z

My skin is like tissue paper.
Cut thin by the razors edge.
Scars all over my body.
Because it takes the pain away.
Beautiful and hidieous at the same time.
I am an addict in my own sense,
Pain is my drug, my fix, my ecstacy.
This is the most dangerous of all drugs.
With one slip of the wrist, I severe a vein
And bleed to death in a pile on the floor.
I am left with what would be a track marks to a heroin addict.
Little scars reminding me of the time and place.
The pain calms me down,
Makes the bad go away,
Makes me feel again.
THE FALL FROM GRACE.
No one can hurt me as much as I hurt myself.
I am in an abusive relationship with myself.
I have a problem.

Quiet one

2008-03-03T16:33:00Z

A quiet one you are,
Never speaking unless necessary.
Is it hard?
Or have you done it you whole life?
Are you happy or sad?
Bored?
Too smart to deal with this stupid world?
Are you hiding behind that Abercrombie?
Or are you just another one of them?
Are you in love with someone?
Heartbroken?
What are you thinking?
What's inside your head?
Speak.

Written about this really interesting guy in my Biology class who would never speak. I always just wanted to know what he was thinking about.

Prom Queen

2008-03-03T16:28:16Z

She puts on her liquid make-up
Smoothing it over her skin.
Patting on light powder.
Kissing her cheeks with pink blush.
Softly spreading the eye-shadow.
Outlining her eyes.
Coloring her lips with soft paint.
Slipping into her youthful dress.
Finally spritzing herself with strawberry scent.
Anxious about the night to come.
Nervous with herself.
She walks onto the streets
Engulfed by the night
She offers herself to it.
She walks to lonely, cold streets,
Searching for someone to offer herself to.
She is a lady of the night.
Parading herself like a prize to be won.
Depending on how much money they have
She gives herself to the highest bidder.
Like a piece of meat.
Raw and bloody.
Diseased.
She makes herself up like a prom queen,
Only to have the dress ripped from her body.
The crown torn from her hair.
Only good for one thing.
Every night of her life.

My feelings about myself at a certain point in my life.

Pledge to the Youth of America

2008-03-03T16:21:21Z

Observe,
The stupidity around us.
So much wasted potential.
Burning brain cells
Substances flowing in our veins.
Corrupt us with trends.
Mainstream
Mental Illness
Drug addiction.
Slavery disguised as freedom
Invisible chains
keeping us in our place.
Young Love?
Sweaty bodies in a damp basement.
Whispers in the hallways.
Clouded eyes.
Vaseline smiles.
Tracked up veins.
Scarred wrists.
School is a sandstorm
Greatness seems so close,
Yet unreachable every time you try.
Inner monologues
Thinking un-trusting thoughts every minute
Never trust.
Observe.

Probably my favorite poem that I have ever written.

A real life fairy tale

2008-02-25T05:22:55Z

Once upon a time I dated a boy and I said I loved him.
He said he loved me too.
I believed him.
Stupid Naive girl.
Put on the leash he made for you, and the collar he puts around your neck,
and follow him at his knees.
He was my whole world.
No one else mattered.
"You are not the same," people would tell me.
"Bring back the old Alex," they pleaded.
Nothing has changed!

Now this boy had a side love affair.
He loved her more than he ever loved me. Her name was Mary,
MaryJane.
His love for MaryJane consumed him and took away all his time and energy from me.
She made him jelaous and full of rage for me.
One night it reached the worst and he raped me.
After that I realized he never loved me,
unless there was a cloud of smoke around my face.
He now lives alone,
with MaryJane as his only companion.
Flooding his lungs with lies and false promises.
May they be together forever and die in each others arms.

The End

High school sophomore

2008-02-25T05:15:35Z

Naive girl.
Foolish prisoner.
Dance your slave dance for your master.
He sings you a lullaby full of lies.
Dance in the flames and burn away your freedom.
He kept you to himself.
For his own dirty pleasures.
Cover your face with the mask of smoke.

The importance of wallets

2008-02-25T05:13:23Z

Experience your surroundings
Eat life, drink reality.
Abercrombie won't be there to save you.
What we HAVE doesn't matter.
Why waste money on clothes?
Won't they be out of style in 6 months?
Cars...rims...penis size...
all in relation.
Bling Bling, Ice, Cheese.
Why doesn't personality matter?
We are sold off to the highest bidder.
Breathtaking eyes,
Kind heart,
Wonderful original personality,
A look, A touch, A sound, A feeling
Look into someone's soul,
Not their wallet.

No longer 1968

2008-02-25T05:09:49Z

No longer 1968, you are afraid to stand up for what you believe in.
Society has made death something that we are afraid of.
I'm not saying we should celebrate it,
But do not fear it.
If we cannot stand up and fight for what we think is right...
Then who will?
Our enemies.
Getting done what we wish to fight against.
Make me believe you,
Make me follow you.
Lead me not into temptation,
but deliver me from my owns evils.
And if I die in pursuit of happiness,
so be it,
For it was not in vain.

Night Gods

2008-02-25T05:05:27Z

My ode to insomnia...

Sit.
Stare.
Play in your make-believe world.
Drawing circles on the walls.
Remembering dead ex-boyfriends.
1:00 in the morning
Looking for a radio station.
Silence,
all the time in the world to...
Think.
God forbid a teenager turns the gears
That's dangerous, too much raw energy.
Deciding whether or not to pass out...
from MEDS
or stay awake and see what demons I can conjure from my cortex.
Night is a God-like time,
anything is possible as long as you can do it without making a sound.
Silent armies, Battlegrounds.
BOOM!! Shhhh! Can't wake Mom.
Ponder; ponder; tick; tick,
Heaven, Hell, Good, Evil, Men, Women
Endless parades of thoughts and about 8 hours alone for you to think all about them.
Goodnight.
Sleep tight.

Untitled

2008-02-25T05:00:16Z

Free your soul and free your mind.
Speak what you think
Who cares about who gets offended.
They will have to learn in the "real" world anyway.
Fuck high school society.
Invisible gates in our minds
Telling you to bite your tongue
So you don't hurt anyone's feelings.
All warm fuzzies, no cold pricklies.
Let's get along children; Play fair
There is an unwritten code we all must obey.
Constantly scanning sentences, phrases, and sayings.
Beep. Beep. Filter. Cut. Paste. Speak.

What is Beauty?

2008-02-25T04:56:11Z

Draw.
Write.
Laugh.
Free your mind.
Express yourself.
Blink and see beautiful things.
Colors, shaped, people.
See and take it in.
Devour the world for all its beauty.
Take in the ugly with the beautiful.
Ugliness can be beautiful.
Beauty is often ugly.

Bubble Girl

2008-02-25T04:54:05Z

This is one of my favorite poems that I have ever written. Inspired by Katie Elliott, one of the dumbest people I have ever met in my life. That you Katie for inspiring me to write such a great poem.

Look at the girl in the bubble.
No cares,
For she doesn't know real thought.
She sits and stares; empty head.
Free from all distraction and reality.
Blink, Chew, Blink, Chew, Blink, Chew.
"Chalk scares me," she screams.
What? Chalk?!
What goes through your head?
"WHA?" with a turn of the head.
She is a doll with set emotions, incapable to feel...enough
Her world is one of Aberzombie, Cover Girl, technicolor world,
Alternate realities, sex, and her Malibu Beach House.
Pink, neon and flesh.
Physically she is "perfect," 38", 19", 34"
Her body may be made of heard plastic, but her head is but hollow rubber.
No one is home.
You speak of things that don't matter to a "real" person.
Endless parties, drug binges, and basement rendezvous.
Convertibles, bikinis, silicone, and hair dye.
Painted faces, painted nails, and painted thoughts.
Emptiness.
Cut her flesh and she bleeds pools of melted plastic.
Ooze, pour, wrinkle her skin tight perfection,
You will end up with an old maid who cannot think for herself.
No longer does her beauty think for her.
She cannot cry her way out of bad situations.
Promise you sexual favors or promises of teenage power.
Popularity is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
She whispers in your ears words of promise.
Once you wake up, all you hear is,
"blahblahblahblahblah"
She handles her body like a four year old handles a Barbie.
Clothes on; Clothes off
Legs spread; Legs closed.
Chew your gum and forget about life,
You will forget about it by tomorrow anyway.
Like the dog bitch you are, you only have a 10 minute attention span.
"What were we talking about again?"

No Strings Attached

2008-02-25T04:39:39Z

How can you miss someone so much it hurts your soul?
Pulling on my strings like a puppet.
Shape me, move me, pull me away.
My heart is a mirage,
Stuck somewhere else while I believe it's here with me.
My heart is wherever he is.
I love you.
Why did you have to leave me.

This poem is about Donnie, after he died I went through a really hard time and wrote a lot about him and how I wanted to be with him. I used to talk to him in my dreams.

First entry in a long while...

2008-02-25T03:21:17Z

Haven't written in quite a while, everything has been going very well with life thus far. I have lost 70 pounds since May and am feeling much better about my overall appearance. I almost think sometimes I am developing an eating disorder. I get really nervous when I have to eat in front of certain people, and I am just never hungry. I have resting tremors which Dr. Beech thinks is related to the medicine but I believe it is because I am only eating about 500-750 calories a day. I have cut myself twice within the last month. I just feel like I an not going anywhere with my life, I have been in college for 3 years now and have nothing to show for it. I am not even close to being done with school. Every now and then I want to start singing again, but I just don't know how to start it again. If I go back to Mrs. Sweeney I will feel like I failed her by not going on and doing something within the music world. The only things that have been really constant in my life have been Adam and work. Work is a constant that I have been more and more sick of eveytime I go. It is the same thing over and over again, day in and day out. The same bitchiness and mean comments from Dr. Chanan and the same on edge feeling that if you happen to do something wrong you WILL be getting fired. Adam has been the only good thing in my life for that past year. I miss him so much when he is away from Columbus, I have gone to see him 2 times this year and I love going to visit him. When I am up at Kenyon I fell as though I am actually a college student. I envy the actual college experience. I work, which not any of my friends do, it is different but I want my youth, I want my time to be on my own. I don;t know whether or not I want to move out or not. For one thing, there is no way I would be able to afford it. I did just find out that my grandmother has left me a lot of money to start out on my own. I know that if I move out, I wouldn't talk all day, because everyone I talk to is gone. My life has changed so much but yet I am still alone. I need to find someone to love me. Maybe it is just my Borderline talking, me needing the constant attention and my massive crave for love and affection. But I want someone to love me for me. I want someone to spend time with me, to sit in my basement with me and watch movies and the Discovery channel. It is sad that after all these years I am still in love with Grant, why did he have to change me the way he did. Why the fuck did he end it like that? I wonder sometimes that had it have ended differently, would I still be in love with him. Then there was Mike who is now married to a fat woman who is 8 years older than him. I don't ever really think about him as much as I do Grant. Fuck this, I am going to stop writing now...

Can a heart still break once it has stopped beating...

2006-11-03T03:35:57Z

Life is going fairly well. School is great, but it basically the only outlet I have in my life. Though I cannot stand most of the people I go to school with. Not that I can't stand them really more that I don't think I have anything in common with them. It is hard. I have no one here. Everyone I care about is somewhere else. I am so isolated. I feel like it is breaking me. I have lost more than 10 pounds though. I am doing things so well yet I still find that I hate myself. I quit smoking too....so many good things happening to me but I don't seem to fell the joy from them. Because no one is here to tell me I am doing a good job or to give me a pat on the back. I am so alone.

Bad Day...

2006-09-13T01:27:10Z

The day started out great. Woke up, watched some T.V., ate some lunch, then went to work. I guess I was working downstairs, so I went downstairs. Then Liz came to work with me...good deal because it is only my 5th day. We walked the smaller dogs together and they played and were happy. Then we went to get the big dogs, "Hayes," and "Bandit." Hayes is a Golden with some brain issues. Bandit is a Greyhound with heartworm. We went outside and they were fin together and then we went back inside to feed and get them water. The we turn around and Bandit is attacking Hayes. I mean ATTACKING!! I have never seen anything like this before. Liz and I didn't really know what to do, so she grabbed a pole and started trying to pull them apart. That didn't seem to be working, so I reached in and grabbed Bandit by the collar and pulled him back. It would have worked if he didn't still have Hayes's ear in his mouth. We finally got them apart. That was about all the insanity I could handle. I knew we should have walked them separately but I wasn't thinking. I got yelled at by Dr. Chanan. My 5th fucking day and I got yelled at for something I knew was wrong! So STUPID! I endured 2 more hours of work before I get home only to be yelled at by my mom for getting 2 more piercings. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Kenyon

2006-09-10T17:24:37Z

I am writing from Adam Latek's room at Kenyon College. I am spending the weekend here with him. I really missed him and we are having a great time together. I have met most of his friends and they all seem like pretty decent people. Adam was supposed to get me together with this kid named Phil but that didn't go over too well. He's seems like he is just a bit shy. So I got here yesterday and we hung out in Phil and Taylor's room for a while as I met Adam's friends. Then Adam got the idea that he should get his ear pierced while I am up here. So I decided to get my third lobes dont as well. 6 piercings with in the last three months...I might be going a bit overboard. So we packed 5 boys into my car and went to go get something to eat. We went to Hardee's...not great food but I didn't really care. 5 boys in my car...hahaha...I am a lucky one. So after the meal we went to this place called the "mouse trap" to get our ears done. Not the cleanest place I have ever been to, but nice. I am still not sure if they actually had an autoclave. So after Adam and I get holes put though our ears we went back to his room. But didn't stay there long because Adam HAD to show it off. That was fine...I met more of his friends and got along with them really well. Kensey also made a brief appearence. After all this...around midnight, we decided to go over to this guy Matt's house to get fucked up. Either drinking or smoking. So we treked over there and got high. Adam got so wasted...I started to worry about him bcause he just had this weird loook on his face. He said his ear still hurt and it was bringing down his high. Adam's roommate James went with us. Very good-looking guy. So we all hung out at this guys house for a while and talked about some crazy things. Pink Floyd and crap. So after we went back to Adam's dorm and him and James started singing below the entrance to the dorm...One of the funniest things I have ever seen. When the impromptu concert was finished, Adam, James and I went back up the room to chill. We were just listening to music and it was amazing. Maybe it was the pot, but I could not help but staring at James. He is really good-looking. I am pretty sure I had a dream about him last night...crazy I know. Also on a completly different point...I went to the hospital this week. Only for a day and a half. but still. Early Monday morning I was reading one of my old journals, looking for a book I had once read and commented on. I didn't find the name of the book. I was reading all these hateful things I once thought about my mother. I couldn't read anymore. Then I went on into the Justin territory. I was reading how I had absolutly no control over my life what-so-ever. Then I got to the part about the rape. I was reading it and I could remember more of what actually happened tht night. I remembered how the room was lit, what was on the bed, how he tried to hit me, how I ducked, and then a look he gave me. This horrible disappointed, angry, frustrated, crazy look. He was so infruiated at me. Then I just remember him starting to take off my pants, I asked him, "What are yo9u doing?" he said, "I am going to do whatever I want with you." He undid my pants and started raping me, he put his arms around my neck and started choking me. He asked me if I liked it, and for some reason I knew I had to say yes, or it would have turned out to be much worse than it was. All of this was triggered in my head and I just started cutting myself to make that feeling go away. I cut, but the pain didn't go away. So I cut more, and more, and more. I cut untill my whole arm was covered in cuts. But the pain was still there. So I went in ad told my mom than I wasn't feeling good and she asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. I knew if I went I would be put in the adult ward instead of the adolesent ward. I have read enough and seen enough documenties on mental hospitals to know that it can be a very scary place for someone so young. Although something inside me told me that I needed to go. So we went. Maybe what went down in the hospital can be written another time...I am getting tired of writing...

Mildly sad...

2006-08-25T17:21:17Z

As of today I have one week of school left before the break between summer and fall quarter. I have been hanging out with Adam a lot this summer and I will really miss him when he goes back to school. I was thinking about it in the car today and I almost started crying. I don't have friends at school because I haven't found anyone I really get along with enough to hang out with. I did meet this guy named DJ. He poked me on facebook, and we hit it off pretty well. We haven't met yet, but even if I am not attracted to him in the romantic sense...I can see us becoming good friends. I need a friend. During all of last year I just felt so alone. I have never been that lonely. I know I was getting good grades and everything, but I didn't have any social outlet to release myself. I had therapy and my mom which helped a little, but I needed to be around people my own age and do things that other kids my age do. I start the vet tech program in the fall and I hope all will go well. In between summer and fall quarter I will be going up to see Adam at Kenyon. They want to fix me up with this kid named Phil. He's seems like a big dork...just the way I like them!! I hope something will come of it. It was so nice having people to spend time with this summer. I will miss it. I just hope I don't get too depressed this upcoming year...

Horrible dreams...

2006-03-01T20:15:42Z

I have been having these horrible dreams lately about failed and tragic relationships in my life. Dreams about Don's death and things left uinanswered about it. Did he love me or am I making out to be more than it was? I WAS crazy when I was with him...maybe that had something to do with it. I miss him...even though we weren't together for more than 6 months. I could have been in the car, I could be dead. My crazy beyond the grave connection with him led me to cut myself so badly I almost bled to death. I wonder if the deadf can talk to you in your dreams, does he still care about me? Or does he like everyone else think I've gotten too fat? Also, dreams about Grant, I swear he is someone that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Why the hell did I fuck up something so good? I am a fucking MORON.